Stop Giving Away Your Energy to Jerks

I know what you’re thinking.. not another “I love a man that can’t do right” post.

No, this is not that.

This is about the people we love (who may actually love you too) but really don’t have the capacity to love you back because they don’t particularly care and/or like you.

I know.. that’s a lot. let’s unpack it.

Now, they haven’t always shown their ass in your relationship. In fact, for most of the time you both are really great together and things are good. And when I say relationship, I mean all relationships.. family, friends, and significant others. But for the sake of this, and for keeping it simple, let’s stick to romantic situations.

At some point you get to a place in life where you have to reevaluate relationships because giving away energy becomes much harder to do. It gets harder to recharge. In order to maintain sanity (if you will) you have to be mindful of the people you allow to be in your circle. Quite simply, you have to consider who you’re letting in. You can’t be giving away your love and goodness to just anyone and expect to feel whole. It’s just not how things go.

Each moment you spend with someone, energy is exchanged. Sharing time and space is intimate in that way. Sometimes it’s called emotional resonance, when feelings and emotions are almost physically felt by one another. Other times it’s labeled empathic blending, where people are able to feel each other’s auras. Most of the time, however, we’re simply calling it what it is.. an energy exchange. And because everything you are able to do, think and accomplish is dependent on your internal force, it’s especially important to recognize what kind of energy you’re not only creating but accepting. You have to be careful about what you give out and make sure that the energy you are getting back is comparable.

You see, it’s not really about the man that gets under your skin or the woman that only calls when she needs something.. it’s deeper than that. It’s about you.

You love these people because they have shown you love. They give you just enough time and effort that this mythical house has been successfully built, but you are now finding out that the foundation is faulty.

Why do we love Jerks? Because they let us.

They allow us to put so much ourselves into them and essentially fuel them so they can be great. All the while, we keep believing that at some point they will change.. especially with all this beautiful love we’re giving to help them grow.

But they don’t.

And we continue to love them because, let’s be real, they’ve forge a place in your heart. Despite the inconsistencies, you’ve formed a bond and it’s hard to shake. You have memories, you’ve shared laughs, and they may even have wiped away some tears. But you can, and must, end this toxic relationship.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to be with them.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to be in a one sided relationship.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving yourself.

The construction of this situation must change. And it doesn’t mean the love is gone, it just means that you’ve learned how to pay more attention to your own light and well being. These days I make it a point to match energy. So, whatever you’re on, I’m on.

In counseling, we have to be particularly aware of how much effort we’re putting into treatment. When a therapist finds him or herself working harder than the client to draw conclusions and work towards goals, something is wrong. Same goes for friendships and otherwise. I sometimes find myself being the only one making those phones calls or texts to check in with my crew, or consistently being the only one suggesting get togethers or quality time with family.

I most frequently found myself being the only on in romantic situations initiating communication and growth in the relationship. So similar to therapy, when that happens, you just have to stop, lean back, and take breath. Let the other party get some work in and relax a little. And if they drop the ball or don’t put forth effort, you have to walk away.

I have to walk away.

But no, it didn’t always used to be this way. In fact, up until recently, I was giving out all these beautiful, great vibes to folks who didn’t deserve half the effort I gave. And, if I’m quite honest, sometimes I still lose myself and forget to be aware of how much I am giving. There’s just some people in life that will forever be hard not to Love on, no matter how much of a Jackass they are.

But how long can you go like that before you’re empty? How long can you pour and pour from a jug before you run out? Sure, self-care helps a little with replenishing, but there’s nothing like having help from others and being fed the same energy you’re letting go of. I mean, how else will you remain healthy, well, and full?

How else are going to be at your best so you can conquer the world?

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